How a Child Views Divorce
In total my parents have been divorced four times. I have step-parents with new spouses, creating an odd step-step-parent relationship. There have been ‘amicable’ divorces, ‘apathetic’ divorces, and ‘loud angry fights in the front yard’ divorces in my life. I managed to survive each one. though none of them were at all pleasant. I’ll go through a few of my experiences, in hopes that it can help you, or your child, realize that divorce isn’t the end of the world so much as a start of a new one.
Firstly, there aren’t such things as amicable divorces. When divorce is considered spouses are usually not friendly to the idea. Acknowledging this tension and lack of being involved in love was one of the toughest things I ever saw my mother do. Accepting absence of love doesn’t equal hate was a difficult lesson to learn. You get a sense of either/or in today’s society, and it’s often all too easy to hate instead of resolving the idea that you just don’t love that person and need to move on through divorce. This kind is often brought about by a type of conflict which the party’s may forgive yet not forget. There as many similarities between the amicable and the apathetic divorce.
Apathetic divorce is also a scary and sensitive issue. Children who watch a marriage start to die often think that if they try harder their parents will be happy again. In my personal experience, this particular type of divorce is the toughest to cope with. You watch your parents slowly just fall away from each other, and no amount of being cute, being good, or excelling in school can make them have the spark you just know you can bring back, if only you try hard enough. Helping a child understand this point can be extremely difficult, but it is vital: sometimes people grow apart, and it’s not anyone else’s fault.
The third type of divorce, while it seems most damaging is probably the easiest type I had to deal with. While they were still extremely unsettling and traumatic, the issues were at least out in the open, not smoldering and invoking a sense of a bomb waiting to go off. It’s unquestionable that waiting for a disaster is far tougher than regathering after one. Keep your children uninvolved in any arguments, but make sure that they understand the reason that people face divorce, if the rift is caused by any sort of abuse, this must be discussed and shown to be unhealthy behavior.
Every child will experience and cope with divorce in his or her own way. My upbringing was hardly the perfect atomic family, but that fluidity helped me adapt to changes in my life. If my parents had tried to pretend that all was perfect, I doubt I would have been fooled. Children often pick up on conflict even before the parents admit tensions to themselves.
Support groups or therapy can be helpful. It was convenient for me to approach friends, have good time with extended family, and be very alive in my church and extracurricular undertakings to keep my life constant. The ability to take a break from the constant worry caused by divorce is just as important for the children involved as the parents.
Finally, this is from my personal experience, and the experiences of my siblings and family members who have survived divorce relatively intact. There is no set way to deal with trauma, no right or wrong way, provided of course that you keep the best interests of your children in the forefront. Everyone would love to sustain their marriage and do not want their children suffer especially. Be honest with them, but don’t give them too much to deal with. Your life keeps going beyond divorce but it makes you feel that you have nothing left in life for you.
If you’re interested in more information, you can learn more about my practice as an experienced family law attorney in Austin Texas. You may also want to watch our free online Austin Texas divorce seminar at AustinDivorceHelp.com. Divorce doesn’t have to be a disaster. Learn how a Austin Texas collaborative attorney can guide you through family law issues with dignity.
