Survive Your Breakup

Posts Tagged ‘children’

Unlike many lower forms of life, a human child is not born with a set of instincts that will enable him or her to survive. Like most mammals, a child’s survival depends on her attachment to her caregivers – which is usually her parents. This dependency has been hardwired into humans by nature for thousands of years. So it should come as no surprise that children form strong attachments to their mothers and fathers. It would be a surprise, and cause for concern, if they didn’t. This attachment, or bond, is a sign that the relationship between the child and her parents is healthy.

Good advice for men getting divorce as well as women is to realize that  as she begins to grow and as she comes into contact with more people, her bonds to her parents become a bit less. Simultaneously, however, she will begin to form attachments with others such as neighborhood kids and adults, babysitters, cousins and relatives, and so on. Typically, this will  happen at some point between the ages of 3 to 5. But if this bond becomes weakened too quickly or too traumatically, she may become forever distrustful of relationships and have relationship troubles for the rest of her life.

When a couple divorces, the mind of a young child is thrown into turmoil. In her mind, the sacred bond that she has depended on since birth, is about to be shattered. In her mind, even if unspoken, this divorce or desertion, is a betrayal of trust. If one of her parents, who she’s trusted and depended on since birth, is leaving her, how can she ever trust anyone who she may become attached to in the future to stay with her? This is a key reason why divorce is potentially so hard on kids.

But the sense of abandonment goes beyond this. One parent has abandoned her. What assurances does she have that the other parent won’t do the same. And this fear of being alone in the world is terrifying to a young child. In some kids this anxiety is so palpable that you’ll notice drastic behavior changes. Some kids will become clingy as if they’re afraid to let you out of their sight, lest you not return. Some will act out in bouts of rage or temper tantrums in a desire to be noticed. Other children may become emotionally withdrawn in an effort to save their feelings from further hurt.

For a child, learning that their parents are divorcing constitutes a harsh wake up call that the world is not what they thought it was. Their home is no longer a secure refuge from the rest of the world.

To prevent or at least allay some of the children’s fears, the way in which concerned parents handle the divorce is critical. Being able to cope with an experience such as divorce is not natural – it’s learned. Kids don’t have the life experiences that would enable them to cope with it. Heck, many adults don’t have the know how to cope with divorce. But the children need reassurance from both parents that they are not abandoning them and that they will stay in their lives. This, more than anything else, will help to reassure a child that the bonds that they formed were not for naught.

For the sake of the child’s future growth, it is extremely important that the parent and child attachment remain strong. Many researchers believe that the quality of the initial attachment of a baby to her parents is one of the most significant predictors of how that person will form relationships for the rest of her life.

Approximately 1 out of every 10 kids in households today go through some kind of psychological problem justifying a therapist or psychologist. If the child’s parents have divorced, the percentage rockets to 3 or 4 out of every 10.

A divorce can have traumatic psychological effects on a kid. Unfortunately, a lot of parents fail to realize this. This is partially due to the fact that they may be experiencing anger and hurt themselves and are unable to empathize with their children’s feelings. But often it is simply that the parents don’t realize just how much their kid is being affected by the divorce.

One of the best pieces of advice for men getting divorced is to find one of the many divorce education programs sprouting up all across the U.S. Currently the number of these programs stands at over a thousand. Some of the programs are available on line as well.

Generally these programs center on the following primary issues:

1) Eliminating or reducing parental conflict in front of the children – When a child sees the two primary adult caretakers in his or her life constantly fighting, it causes them to have feelings of anxiety or stress. But, just as importantly, you are also teaching your children how to act in relationships. Kids are like sponges, they absorb what they see, especially from their parents. By fighting in front of your children you are, in effect, telling them that this is the way to resolve problems. A divorce education program will show you a better way of handling conflicts.

2) Don’t use the kids as pawns – Your children are not bargaining chips to be used in dissensions with your spouse in order to win fights or to get your way. It can be easy to forget this, particularly if you have self esteem issues yourself. Whether the issue is parental custody, child support, visitation privileges, or something else – never treat your children like chess pieces. Unless you wish them to grow up with large emotional and psychological issues.

3) Don’t try to turn the child against a parent – Often, one of the parents will try to prevent the other parent from seeing or being with the kid. Most likely it’s a ill-conceived endeavor to “punish” the other parent. On the other hand, it may simply be a matter of insecurity where one parent is afraid to give up control. But, unless there’s some fundamental issue why one parent shouldn’t not see the child, such as previous child maltreatment, this doesn’t do the child any good. In order to have the best chance of developing into a well adjusted adult, kids need a sound relationship with both of their parents.

4) Remember always that the welfare of the child is paramount – We all know that going through a divorce is not easy. But it’s not all about the you, the parents. It’s about everyone in the family relationship – parents and kids alike. Keeping this simple fact in mind will not only make the transition easier for the kids, it often improves the relationship between the divorcing parents as well. Keeping the welfare of your kids at the forefront of your mind, makes the whole divorce and after divorce more civil.

For those that are greatly concerned with their child’s welfare and would like to do all they can to protect them after the divorce, divorce education programs can do that and more. Think about joining one today, if you haven’t already.