Survive Your Breakup

Posts Tagged ‘stopping divorce’

What is the generally accepted cause of an extramarital affair?

An affair may be sexual in character or it could purely be a matter of infatuation with another member of the opposite or same sex. The beginnings of such “affairs” can very often be traced back to some aspect of a marital relationship that is missing for one reason or another. An extramarital affair is one of the three most serious issues affecting a marriage. It involves breaking the most sacred of trusts between a couple. As a consequence, most marriages are not capable of surviving infidelity.

One or more of the reasons itemised as follows, are generally cited as the motivation/excuse for starting an extramarital affair:

1. The spark has gone out of our marital relationship.
2. It started with a peck on the cheek then lead on to something more intense.
3. My partner is always tired and has lost their appetite for sex.
4. My secretary was always coming on to me especially after we’d had a drink or two together.
5. I have renewed my relationship with my ex.
6. Very little intimacy at home because of frequent business trips away.
7. My spouse is suffering from bad health and is unable to respond to sexual intimacy.

It is more than likely that some of the above will not be capable of being resolved. Be that as it may, if a couple are prepared to put the “affair” behind them and are determined to pick up the challenge of working towards repairing their marriage then surviving the infidelity will be all that much easier. Some matters need to be given serious thought however:

• If the innocent spouse has had sexual intercourse with their marriage partner since the beginning of the affair, then it would be advisable to have a medical check to find out whether there are any health issues that require medical treatment. This is an issue that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It is important to determine whether there has been any possible transmission of some form of sexual disease to an innocent partner.
• The question of trust also needs to be given careful consideration. Can I trust my spouse again after what they have done to me and our family?
• Is it really feasible for my spouse to break off the affair, or not to be tempted into another extramarital relationship again even if they have promised that they will remain faithful in the future?
• Consideration needs to be given to engaging a third party to provide marriage counseling to ensure that there is truly a determination on the part of both spouses to make the marriage survive and that solutions and ground rules are firmly in place. It can be quite tough for both the person who has been affected by their partner’s extramarital affair, and the guilty partner, to sort out all the issues associated with this concerning matter on their own.

If you are the blameless party and are really interested in forgiving your spouse, and putting your marriage back on track, there may very well be a distinct possibility of achieving this if:

• Your spouse voluntarily admitted the affair to you.
• They are open when grilled about it.
• They have told you that they are repentant for having strayed.
• They have agreed to sever all contact with the other party.
• They have offered to be involved in counseling.

An extramarital affair doesn’t have to mean the conclusion of a marriage if you both really have the desire and the inclination to fix your relationship then marriage reconciliation is entirely possible.

It is an regrettable fact that countless numbers of marriages today are on the point of collapse. Many of those involved in this unenviable situation are desperate to repair their relationship. Amongst the top three causes for marriage difficulties is lack of trust, either mutual or just on the part of one of the spouses in the relationship lacking trust in the other.

Lack of trust in a marriage will often bring with it a significant amount of marital stress.

Lack of trust can be the consequence of a number of things from the not so serious, such as not carrying out odd jobs and commitments that you had given an undertaking to do, or indeed more serious issues such as an extramarital affair, significant addictions, violence or dishonesty. Once trust has been broken it is not an easy matter to re-establish it. Trust must be earned, and the only way that this can be done is to demonstrate in practical ways to your spouse that you are really repentant and want to re-establish yourself as a trustworthy and loving partner. It is not enough to say that you are all set to change–the change must be demonstrated by deed. Bear in mind though that this rebuilding could take a significant period of time – you need to be patient.

Once you have been found guilty of betraying your spouse’s trust don’t try and cover up by making excuses. To attempt to validate your actions (or lack of them) often only makes the situation worse. It is much more sensible to be apologetic and endeavor to re-establish your credibility.

The effects of broken trust can be serious and may even result in divorce. 

It is not uncommon for the affected partner to suffer periods of depression if they can make no progress with a partner who refuses, or neglects to change their behavior. Children will also be affected by the atmosphere generated by their parents poor relationship. It would be wise in this circumstance to seek professional advice in the interests of preventing the possibility of divorce.

For those couples who have a pretty solid relationship (aside from lapses in trustworthiness) there is a clear cut formula to sorting out trust issues:

1. The first step to restoring trust is to acknowledge responsibility for whatever it was that was the root cause of the lack of trust in the relationship in the first instance.
2. The next stage is to make a definite decision to transform the behavior that resulted in the broken trust.
3. Finally, commit to making the change.

The majority of marriages are worth saving.  Issues of trust can usually be worked through if both parties are willing to acknowledge that the process may be a long one. This is especially so if there have been major impropriety on the part of one of the spouses that led to the breach of trust. However, if love is still alive regardless, then you should consider giving your marriage every chance of success and happiness.

If you are experiencing problems in your marriage and you feel that your previously solid marriage is coming to an end with the impending prospect of divorce, it probably doesn’t help to say that you don’t have this on your own. The fact is that saving a marriage from divorce is a matter that masses of couples have been able to successfully achieve, it is simply a matter of approaching it in the correct way.

Having said that, there have been countless numbers of people in troubled marriages who for one reason or another took the serious step of going through the process of divorce and came out the other side happy and content with their new status. Most married couples who formerly had experienced a fulfilling relationship would prefer to try and resolve their difficulties and bring back the love that was an important and satisfying aspect of their marriage. There are 3 simple tips that can be employed that will help restore the love and balance to a marriage.

Here are those 3 simple tips for stopping divorce?

1. Don’t try to resolve serious marriage issues by yourselves and don’t for goodness sake involve your family in your problems with a view to having them help you out of your difficulties. Quite honestly, family involvement in these matters can cause more problems than they resolve. It is by far preferable to undergo professional counseling or therapy. An experienced counselor will have encountered all the marriage problems that you could possibly imagine so your precise problem wont be at all unfamiliar to them whether it be infidelity, money or child issues, or just general growing incompatibility.

2. Try and keep squabbles and disputes at bay. Make a real effort to discuss rather than argue–reason rather than dispute. Continually remind yourself that you are endeavoring to prevent divorce not advance it.

3. You and your spouse need to agree to commit to improving your relationship and demonstrate that commitment to each other. Nobody is “right” all the time–when you are wrong admit it don’t try to defend your opinion or actions. When you feel that your partner is wrong use a little psychology and agree with any opinions that they have that you can accept, then subtly steer them around to your way of thinking.

The reason marriages work.

Successful marriages are that way because the partners to that relationship are compatible to the extent  that they have the ability to communicate with each other in a way that partners in an unsuccessful relationship don’t, wont or cannot. The answer to preventing divorce can be as basic as making time to learn how to communicate effectively. There is absolutely no doubt that effective communication in marriage is the number one reason for long-lasting and loving marital relationships. Make a conscious effort to improve your marriage today and prevent divorce by making a deliberate effort to set aside disputes and arguments and learn how to discuss differences in a rational, non argumentative and non threatening way. 

When you’re dealing with the prospect of divorce, and you don’t want it to happen, you will probably be searching for a way to stop divorce before it becomes final. This may mean convincing your spouse to give the relationship another chance. Of course, this is not always possible. You need a plan. You should be ready to work hard and use some creativity to explain what is valuable about the relationship that is worth saving. While you can stop a divorce at any stage before its completion, the earlier you do so the more likely your marriage may be preserved for the near future.

If you want to have a good plan to stop divorce, you should know what you’ve tried so far that hasn’t worked. Take a short time to think through this. For instance, if you’ve been begging and pleading for the other person to stop the divorce process, then quit it! The more pressure you put on your husband or wife the more hesitant they will become to the idea of preserving the marriage. This is a bad approach all around.

By begging or whining, you are not giving your spouse any motivation to consider the marriage worth saving. Such childish reactions only serve to make you look foolish and they demean both of you. While like a child, you may get the other person to delay or grant your request to stop whining, you haven’t changed one thing. Rather than getting them to consider whether your marriage is salvageable, you have them trying to keep you quiet. If want to stop divorce, you need to take a different tactic. You’re an adult and you should deal with this adult situation appropriately. This may help point you to marriage counseling as an option.

If you go to your spouse suggesting marital counseling as a option before divorce, you show maturity. Plus, by doing this, you ensure that you have more time to find a solution that might save your marriage. Counseling is place where you may express your desire for another chance to make it better, that you don’t want the divorce to happen, in a calm manner so you do not make your spouse resistant or defensive. You will have a greater chance to stop divorce this way.

If your spouse makes the decision to take counseling with you, it will be your task to prove that you are committed to seeing it through and you’re ready to hear their concerns and viewpoints on the relationship. Perhaps, the most important thing you should tell them is that you are ready to address the issues. Counseling is not the place to voice your partner’s weaknesses or illustrate the times they’ve offended you.

If your aim is to stop divorce, then make sure your spouse leaves the counseling session feeling good about themselves and believing that they were really heard and appreciated. Bear in mind that if they leave feeling bad or defensive, then you may have lost the chance to work through your marital problems, because they may not be back next time.

If your spouse decides to postpone divorce, you may believe that you have accomplished the goal. It would be a mistake to stop. You should continue counseling to work through all of your problems so you can begin rebuilding your broken relationship so that it’s better than before. If you can, stop divorce before it gets a grip on your marriage.