Survive Your Breakup

Posts Tagged ‘surviving infidelity’

Surviving infidelity, is it possible? There is perhaps no bigger emotional challenge you will face either as a couple of as an individual in all your life.There are no quick fixes, no immediate remedies: each situation is somewhat different. Every situation is different.There are genral patterns of behavior to be on the lookout for that can shape the route of your recovery. Know at the start: it is a time-consuming process. You are, in essence, entering a period of intense personal introspection, attempting to find out what went wrong and what it is that you now want.

If it is your goal to survive as couple, it is important that both of you are now on the same page and willing to make the necessary sacrifices. It means the spouse or partner who cheated has to honor their word that the affair is over, and there is a new commitment to the relationship. It also means the partner/spouse that was cheated on makes a commitment to attempt to control the overwhelming emotions they are experiencing and figure out a new way to walk together.

The truth of what has transpired has to be told honestly, no matter how unpleasant or painful it is. All the specific details have to be put on the table and open for discussion. This can be quite painful for both parties. The cheated upon spouse or partner will want to know: when? with whom? how frequently? where? who all knew? And, last but not least, why? This can be an excruciating process, but the honesty is important. That is the first step on the road to rebuilding trust.

Next, a sincere regret should be conveyed by the cheating partner. Attention need to be paid on their anguish and to the disruption to their life. The remorse can be conveyed both verball and non-verbally as well. There is no magic wand here. If the remorse is true, the sincerity of it will be communicated. If there isn’t any remorse, it could easily be the death-nil to any couple facing these regrettable set of circumstances.

There will need to be some limits and boundaries in place when you want to survive infidelity. The spouse or partner that was cheated upon my demand a new set of rules that seem rigid. For a time, those need to be allowed. Times and places may be checked. Remember, the bonds of trust have shattered and being re-built. All the old rules no longer apply.

Create some individual space between the two of you. And, it doesn’t matter if it was the wife caught cheating, or if it was the husband. It may be best for you both to process the pain individually, and not as a couple, and come together later. You both may want to sleep alone for the time being. This doesn’t mean the affection stops. It doesn’t. This is true especially for the cheating partner.

And, finally, give yourself the freedom to choose whether or not to stay or to go. Do not feel bound by duty to stay. It is a choice. That freedom alone may be what saves your relationship.

It happens. We live in such a fast-paced world, and it’s easy to look up and think: how in the world did I get myself into such a mess? You didn’t intend for it to happen. But, it did. But, now you know it’s a dead-end, and it’s time to protect what you love and cherish. But, ending an affair can be a complicated process. The emotions are volatile from all involved. You have to be careful so has not to make a bad situation even worse.

Here’s what you should carefully consider:

*Don’t waffle. You know the relationship isn’t healthy, and you’re wanting to end it. Make that decision and stand up for it. The difficult part of this is that after an affair the parties are highly emotionally charged. When you truly desire to put an end to it, the logical part of your being needs to take over. Do not allow yourself room enough to feel. Now is the time for clear thought. Allow it to enter and to steer your ship.

*You don’t need to explain your decision. The “why?” could just be a method to engage and continue. You want to avoid this. You are not obligated to explain yourself. This is a choice you’re making. It is not an answer you’re giving. That is the only explanation needed. Be firm and repeat it if necessary: it’s over.

*The relationship is entirely done, all of it. Often, a couple will make the mistake of thinking they are ending an affair, but “let’s be friends.” This is just another trap to fall right back into the old pattern. The end means the end. Do not allow yourself to be in any social situation with them. It is now time to move on. If they attempt to engage you socially, politely remove yourself at first. If they persist, it’s okay to be rude.

*Find one solid friend you can trust and confide everything. You’re going to need a sounding board. Make sure your trusted confidant is emotionally balanced and is concerned for your well-being. You are going to need it.

*After you’ve made the decision to put an end to it once and for all, do not allow any private communication. Of course, this means no clandestine rendezvous’ – no emails, no text messaging, nada, zilch. If you allow this, you are just extending the agony for everyone involved.

Surviving infidelity is not easy. To completely put an end to it, you may have to move out of your comfort zone. That may mean moving to different city, finding another job, spending time with a different set of friends. That may be the only way you are going to find peace again in your life. It may be the only way you’re going to feel good about yourself again. But, it can be accomplished.

Has your relationship hit a wall? Are you asking, “How to get your ex boyfriend back?”
Don’t despair, pull up a chair, and let’s see if together we can figure out how to get him back.

Getting him back means attempting to build a whole new relationship.
Remember that you cannot expect nor should you want to obtain the same
relationship that you had before. You must be aware that for one reason
or another that relationship did not work.

Step One

Don’t attempt to be underhanded about getting your ex boyfriend back. If you
want your ex back then you need to be open and honest with him. If you
have been able to obtain a mutual friendship, do not use it to gain
your old relationship back. Instead be upfront about your intentions.
This may mean: casually asking your old flame to coffee or lunch so you can explain to him that you
still have passionate desires and want to give your relationship another go.

Second Step:

You should realize that the relationship didn’t work for some reason
or another. You will want to step back and take an objective look as to why it
didn’t work. Perhaps you are surviving infidelity. Or, maybe your troubles
are not so difficult. But either way, after you have thought about it you will need
to sit down with your ex boyfriend and communicate what his thought are on why things didn’t
work the first time. For this crucial step honest and open communication is the essential key!

Third Crucial Step

if the two of you both feel it is in the best interest to try again you need to
have an action plan. The first two steps should be discussed openly to discover why it
work out the first time~did not work out initially}. Your propositions should have boundaries and
expections of your brand “new” relationship. Do not attempt to enlist your old
ways and the keep the same old troubled relationship. It was doomed to failure for a reason.

If you want to win back your ex boyfriend, the journey can be a long one.
Just remember to get him back you should be open and honest at all
times. Do not bend yourself to a person that is not truly you. If you
allow this to happen the relationship doesn’t stand much of a chance at a a
long term future.

The most vital key to answering the question,
“How to get your ex boyfriend back” is to know completely your situation
and be honest, both with yourself and your partner. If you can accomplish that,
you have a good chance to make it all work and forge a better future for your relationship
than the one you had before.

What is the generally accepted cause of an extramarital affair?

An affair may be sexual in character or it could purely be a matter of infatuation with another member of the opposite or same sex. The beginnings of such “affairs” can very often be traced back to some aspect of a marital relationship that is missing for one reason or another. An extramarital affair is one of the three most serious issues affecting a marriage. It involves breaking the most sacred of trusts between a couple. As a consequence, most marriages are not capable of surviving infidelity.

One or more of the reasons itemised as follows, are generally cited as the motivation/excuse for starting an extramarital affair:

1. The spark has gone out of our marital relationship.
2. It started with a peck on the cheek then lead on to something more intense.
3. My partner is always tired and has lost their appetite for sex.
4. My secretary was always coming on to me especially after we’d had a drink or two together.
5. I have renewed my relationship with my ex.
6. Very little intimacy at home because of frequent business trips away.
7. My spouse is suffering from bad health and is unable to respond to sexual intimacy.

It is more than likely that some of the above will not be capable of being resolved. Be that as it may, if a couple are prepared to put the “affair” behind them and are determined to pick up the challenge of working towards repairing their marriage then surviving the infidelity will be all that much easier. Some matters need to be given serious thought however:

• If the innocent spouse has had sexual intercourse with their marriage partner since the beginning of the affair, then it would be advisable to have a medical check to find out whether there are any health issues that require medical treatment. This is an issue that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It is important to determine whether there has been any possible transmission of some form of sexual disease to an innocent partner.
• The question of trust also needs to be given careful consideration. Can I trust my spouse again after what they have done to me and our family?
• Is it really feasible for my spouse to break off the affair, or not to be tempted into another extramarital relationship again even if they have promised that they will remain faithful in the future?
• Consideration needs to be given to engaging a third party to provide marriage counseling to ensure that there is truly a determination on the part of both spouses to make the marriage survive and that solutions and ground rules are firmly in place. It can be quite tough for both the person who has been affected by their partner’s extramarital affair, and the guilty partner, to sort out all the issues associated with this concerning matter on their own.

If you are the blameless party and are really interested in forgiving your spouse, and putting your marriage back on track, there may very well be a distinct possibility of achieving this if:

• Your spouse voluntarily admitted the affair to you.
• They are open when grilled about it.
• They have told you that they are repentant for having strayed.
• They have agreed to sever all contact with the other party.
• They have offered to be involved in counseling.

An extramarital affair doesn’t have to mean the conclusion of a marriage if you both really have the desire and the inclination to fix your relationship then marriage reconciliation is entirely possible.

It is an regrettable fact that countless numbers of marriages today are on the point of collapse. Many of those involved in this unenviable situation are desperate to repair their relationship. Amongst the top three causes for marriage difficulties is lack of trust, either mutual or just on the part of one of the spouses in the relationship lacking trust in the other.

Lack of trust in a marriage will often bring with it a significant amount of marital stress.

Lack of trust can be the consequence of a number of things from the not so serious, such as not carrying out odd jobs and commitments that you had given an undertaking to do, or indeed more serious issues such as an extramarital affair, significant addictions, violence or dishonesty. Once trust has been broken it is not an easy matter to re-establish it. Trust must be earned, and the only way that this can be done is to demonstrate in practical ways to your spouse that you are really repentant and want to re-establish yourself as a trustworthy and loving partner. It is not enough to say that you are all set to change–the change must be demonstrated by deed. Bear in mind though that this rebuilding could take a significant period of time – you need to be patient.

Once you have been found guilty of betraying your spouse’s trust don’t try and cover up by making excuses. To attempt to validate your actions (or lack of them) often only makes the situation worse. It is much more sensible to be apologetic and endeavor to re-establish your credibility.

The effects of broken trust can be serious and may even result in divorce. 

It is not uncommon for the affected partner to suffer periods of depression if they can make no progress with a partner who refuses, or neglects to change their behavior. Children will also be affected by the atmosphere generated by their parents poor relationship. It would be wise in this circumstance to seek professional advice in the interests of preventing the possibility of divorce.

For those couples who have a pretty solid relationship (aside from lapses in trustworthiness) there is a clear cut formula to sorting out trust issues:

1. The first step to restoring trust is to acknowledge responsibility for whatever it was that was the root cause of the lack of trust in the relationship in the first instance.
2. The next stage is to make a definite decision to transform the behavior that resulted in the broken trust.
3. Finally, commit to making the change.

The majority of marriages are worth saving.  Issues of trust can usually be worked through if both parties are willing to acknowledge that the process may be a long one. This is especially so if there have been major impropriety on the part of one of the spouses that led to the breach of trust. However, if love is still alive regardless, then you should consider giving your marriage every chance of success and happiness.

Many marriages break up over the pain of signs of infidelity. Love and trust that was promised is taken away. The result of infidelity is both pain as well as hurt.

To find some of the sources of that pain, here is a case study of Sue A. And Joe R. As they work on their emotional infidelity struggles.

Joe and Sue grew up next door to one another in the suburbs. In high school they began to date and midway through college Joe ask Sue to marry him. To this union were born three children, two boys and a girl.

As most couples, this one had problems with money. When the children started school Joe told Sue he could work late and increase their income. This actually did not seem to solve their problems. Joe was almost never home. Sue said something that irritated Joe and he moved out.

A few days later after Joe had cooled off a bit, he called Sue to apologize and admitted that he had committed marital infidelity. He had not been working late all those nights. He agreed to seek counseling and wanted to work things out.

Sue is heartbroken. The very idea of forgiveness is nauseating. She has been betrayed by the one she loved the most. In her wildest imagination, she would have never have though of this type betrayal.

Most of us would like for this story to end with reconciliation, however most of these stories do not end this way. Infidelity’s pain is not quickly erased. The mistrust often ends in divorce.

Even if things work out, the mistrust will work their way to the surface again and again. One missed appointment can rapidly bring up old feelings. Joe also has changed. He may no longer be as willing to stick through the tough times that happen in any marriage.

The once strong system of support offered by friends and extended family may also be shattered. Visits may not come as often as they once did. Sue not only feels she cannot confide in Joe, but feels abandoned by friends also.

If divorce ensues, children are often torn between the parents. When one parent relocates to a new city, visitation becomes more limited. Many times they see the parent they do not live with only one or two times yearly at most. Children are pained by the lack of quality time spent with the parent. Parents loose the close contact they once had with their children.

The pain does not end at the judge’s bench however. If Sue is fortunate enough to find a new partner for life, her previous husband’s infidelity marriage can also affect this new relationship. How can she ever trust again.

Joe finds that his income, which was already being stretched thin, is now being split between his new household and that of his former family. He is paying an expensive price for his marital infidelity. He also finds that he has difficulty with trust. It is not that he cannot trust others. Joe has difficulty trusting himself.

If you are considering infidelity, please consider the pain that it may cause by not surviving infidelity. You cannot forget that this is all about marital infidelity

Cheating is one of the biggest blows a relationship can get. There is a high percentage of marriages that don’t recover from the fact that one has been cheating. It is very hard to overcome the resentment and hurt that come naturally with the fact that you have been cheated on – surviving infidelity and saving your marriage might seem impossible right now. Your spouse has been cheating on you, how can you save your marriage?

Dealing with infidelity is not easy, it is very hard to regain the trust in your spouse. The first thing you have to do is to give yourself time to deal with all the negative feelings that come with your spouses cheating. Inform your partner that it will take time for you to heal. You need to take some time off, time to pamper yourself – take a short vacation, visit a friend for some time – whatever makes you feeling better.

Focus on positive things, activities that will lift you up, try not to think about the cheating at all while taking your time off. When you have calmed down you need to take the time to assess your marriage. Cheating never comes out of the blue. Something in your relationship is missing, otherwise your partner would not have cheated on you.

It is necessary that you get to know the reasons for the infidelity. Make a list on the things that are wrong in your marriage, then go talk to your partner and ask them for the reasons of their infidelity. Show them the list you have been making and discuss how your relationship can be saved.

While talking with your spouse you need to find out if your marriage can survive after the infidelity of your partner. Both of you need to be as honest as possible with each other. The good thing is that nearly every relationship can be saved, if at least one partner is willing to change it for the better.

Surviving infidelity has a lot to do with how you are dealing with the fact that your spouse has been cheating on you. Did you do the recommended evaluation of your relationship? This will give you an idea where you need to begin to save your marriage after infidelity.

The easiest way to save your marriage after infidelity is to follow a proven step by step guide that will help you to rekindle the fire in your marriage.